What If

I wish I can turn back time and make you my bestfriend instead.

If you are my bestfriend  I guess everything is going to be just normal.

 Because even when you are not around, it will be just fine.

If we dont talk for days or months, it will be just okay.

If you introduce a girl you're dating or tell me you like someone

 and want to make her your girl, then I'll just be happy for you.

If you are my bestfriend I can keep you

and have you in my life forever --- day in day out,

even if we're far apart.

I will just like you not as much as i like you now.

I'm not going to want more than what i can only have.

But the fact is you are not my bestfriend and

somehow I dont want you to be,

because you are too special for me to be just that.

I dont regret that i feel the way i feel right now.

It's a good feeling, but at the same time the greatness of it put ache on me-

 like a pinprick only the pain last long enough for me to breathe.

You are the right kind of wrong that happened to me, 

I wonder what if  things goes  in a different way...

Sure, I'm not going to be as happy as i am right now..

but that is just what if.

UNTITLED

I was right to have waited for this-- the revelation of the inert state of me.

It's been long now and everyday it got harder,cause the feelings getting stronger, but that made no sense to me. I could pretend that it's nothing, but that was the extent.

I was angry with myself for feeling it, maybe because I don't know how to handle it now, but surely because I'm afraid. Hadn't I promised myself that I wouldn't let the silence of his mind make me interested, and yet here I was most interested.

Though I had no idea at all what he really thought of me. I was out of air, If I were going to see him again, I would have to inhale and compose myself.

The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me. Well I couldn't complain that life is not as monotonous anymore as like before, everything had changed but those changes means something to me- its everything to me!

I could not suppress the questions that's running through my mind- similar but different. The curiosity was the most constant of my torments

I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them, for a long moment I drowned in them. I now felt the literal meaning of "love doesn't always come in a convenient packages", and this exemption applies to me.

"Not that all was right if I'm with him, either , though I sighed, letting the flames rake through my heart, I'd been away from it too long, the time spent without happiness and pain made it all that more forceful now. It was bad enough that I'm afraid to go near him, cause it should be something good, afraid that if I let myself get that close to him, I would want to be closer still."

I RESIGN!!!

I am hereby officially tendering

my resignation as an adult. I have

decided I would like to accept the

responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think

that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail across a fresh mud

puddle and made a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to lie under a big tree

and run a lemonade stand with my friends

on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was

simple, when all you knew were colors,

multiplication tables, and nurseery rhymes,

but didn't bother you,

because you didnt know what you

didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy

because you were blissfully unawre

of all the things that should make you

worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good

I want to believe that anything is

possible. I want to be oblivious

to the complexities of life and be

overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of

computer crashes,mountains of paperwork,

depressing news, how to survive more days

in the month than there is money in the

bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,

and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles,

hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace,

dreams, and the imagination of making angels

that their just around us.

So .... here's my resignation letter

And if you want to discuss this further,

you'll have to catch me first.

Cause.. I quit! I resign!

by:kellyshen

Sweet world of mine

Just a thought that came inside my mind. I don’t plan on writing this down, because i don’t know if it’s something important.Why am I here?


I’ve been planning my life, my future since the day i knew love. Some things made it, some didn’t. But I still kept my dreams, my plans inside my heart.Lately, I’ve been thinking about what’s happening with my life. Is’t going somewhere? Am I going somewhere with my plans, with my dreams?


I see my life revolves in just my own space. It’s like a circle where nobody’s there, but me. I know I have lovable and sincere friends, but still I found myself that it’s like i don’t exist.Sometimes, whenever I go home from work, from the time i got out the building, my minds telling me “at last I don’t have to fake that I’m just okay, I can be me and I can look around and never force myself to smile.”


There are times when i opened the door of my room. I just stood there, rest my head to the edge of the wall and think what’s up for the day?1?. I just stayed inside my room, I tried to keep myself busy, play games, surf the net, watch movies…and I do that everyday 7 days a week.


I don’t know if I’m keeping myself off the world, or am I just that busy and I have no spare time to go out and see what’s out there.


Whenever I silently sat by myself, And there’s nothing left for me to do, but think. I can hear my heart clearly, It’s crying, it’s hurting. Some will say I don’t deserved what my life had been, but I’ve learned to love my life…because I have to, because I don’t have a choice. But why is that whenever there’s something that came by and I have a choice, and I know truly that what I picked between A and B or X and Y is the right one, is the right way, and the right thing to do, but it turns out it makes me feel hurt even more.


Why is that those people that I knew and know that they are better and kind who makes a difference from what is wrong, I kept them inside my heart and still here in my heart, but they just passed me by. Whenever I start to give importance to something and to someone, next thing you know.. ’ll realize i have to let go or they’re just gone. Sometimes, I want to be nonchalant about everything, because some people thought that my life is just easy. It feels like no one cares of what I really want, what I really feel, what my heart desires.


Honestly I’m tired of understanding everything and everyone. There are battles in my life that I already gave up to…sometimes instead of fighting my way out of it, It’s like I’m trying to go to the direction of giving it all up. Because I don’t know who am I battling my life with and for what. Am I doing this for a better life, so those people i expect to be happy for me, for once say “You’ve done well”, or just to survive everyday and live without a reason of why am I here

THE BOOK AND ME

Books have soft cover or hardbound, but whatever the cover looks like, pretty, dull, plain, terrifying and ugly… it’s the inside that you have to know! Of course all of us know the phrase “don’t judge the book by its cover” well yeah! Pretty much applies with books as well not just for people.

You will never truly know how lovely, weird, educational, funny, or inspirational a book is, if you don’t really read it by heart. Not just reading it because a lot of people are reading it. You have to want it, to like to know it, to put your heart to it.



I’m not much of a book reader but definitely if I read a particular book that means it’s a great one, and if I have my own copy that means it’s an EXCELLENT story.



As I read between the lines, It makes a shiver to my bones...half of me was frightened and the other half of me was happy. Happy that I had imagined how lovely life was if I was the one in the story... I wished that, that story was really about me, EXTRAORDINARY but still I imagined that it happened to me.



First its just an emotion of longing, anxious to the things that will come and will happen, It didn’t occurred to me that time had passed by so fast that only the heat of the sun made me move an inch to realize that its already late afternoon.



I got settled and silence came...



The story lingered in my mind it didn’t made me sleep at all. Now deeper feelings came rushing into my heart and suddenly tears fell down my cheeks. I’m touched by the things that I’ve read it affects me that much and it made my heart aches. It’s wonderful how life can be when you know that SOMEONE LOVE YOU EVEN MORE THAT YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THEM. Of course for us all we certainly think of that is the kind of stories in fairy tale books. Then I told myself, "One out of a million people can possibly have that, there must be one!" And I placed my hands into my heart, I felt its beat but it aches, I breathe with jealousy and hoping that I'm that lucky one. Then I sighed... and blinked my eyes, back to reality I said.



I continued to concentrate and forced myself to sleep. But still everything haunt me, I checked the time...it's already DAWN.I stayed in bed staring in space, then my imagination came along that I’m laying down in the meadow holding someone’s hand, like the one in the book. But even in my imagination I cant think of any face to make that person who also holds my hand be visible to me. Then suddenly I felt low, it’s like I literally heard my heart break like the SUN shines and struck my eyes and made me blind.



I got up and prepared for a new day since I didn’t able to sleep. I tried to overpower my mind to do something that will make me forget about the things that made me feel different… but unfortunately I found myself daydreaming and thinking. Now I can’t think of which is which of it is normal. I don’t even know if what I’m doing now is just normal as I look back to those days I’ve spent my life. I know I’m happy, but I know that if I can just look into my soul it’s blue. Does anybody know? Can anybody see the real me? I guess not, cause behind of it all even if it feels cold, the smile I have on my face stays on.



Everyday you learn something else’s, but now I learned something more about me. I’m not just a sentimental schmuck I thought I was, or what ever way I thought I am. That there’s more of me beneath the surface that can be known of, you just have to look the inner you to feel the emotion of liking, wanting and loving to discover more. I’m like a BOOK!



Kellyshen179 October 29, 2008 copyright

It's Her Day!!!

To Sasha one of my best and closest friends,Thanks for this lovely composition.. It makes me feel special.



***It all started in second year high. She transferred again to our school, Our Lady of the Sacred Heart. There were several transferees and she's one of them. For some reason, the school decided that they will compress the four sections to three so they were put in our class. I never intended to be friends with her because I have my own set of friends... Apparently, fate had other plans than mine.

It was second quarter of the school year when something happened. I was one of the top students in class (teka, natatawa ako! nagyabang pa! hehehe) so I was placed at the back of the room. I became friends with a bunch of students from the last section and... her (she transfered back to our school from NotreDame)

Shiena Tan.

She's shy (sige na nga!) at first but when you get to know her... makulit! She loves to dance and sing and play the piano. She's one of the friendliest persons I've known. Cowboy! You can serve tuyo and she won't complain. Very generous. When she has some cash with her, naku, she'll buy stuff for you and your family. She's like that when she drops by my house (which was pretty much everyday back then, hehe). Makuwento! 24 hours is not enough when we talk! She has lots of kuwento especially when we won't see each other for months. And when we get to talk again, it's like we just saw each other yesterday. She knows how to deal with others really well. There are so many families out there who want to adopt her. Rollyne's family. Sheryl's family. Mine.

And uhmmm... she's kikay nga pala! Back in HS, she's the wash-and-wear type of girl. When I saw her in college, OMG! Ang kikay na! She wears skirts, does her make-ups, curls her lashes (ahay!) and her voice is much more maarte! hehehe

She lived at Serrano Laktaw in our HS days. After school, it was an unwritten rule that we go to her place to chill. Saya! She'd play the piano for us. We'd choose from her pieces. I'd always choose People Alone. And Hidin' in Myself. Can you still remember that, pre? hehe

Of all the things that we shared together... it was those times that we were both down are the most memorable! I remember I had a problem before and she was the one who was there beside me to alleviate the burden I was carrying that time. She knew everything and she honored my unspoken request to keep quiet about it. She was there during the Dan episode of my life as well. She'll cry silently with you during the times you're troubled and down and out. She'll never leave you, believe me.

She's tough when it's her own battles she's fighting. But she can be a crybaby at times. Especially when it comes to the loved ones (*wink*). It's because she's not expecting it from him so she cries easily.

I texted her this morning because IT'S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY! I told her that I wish she'd get to meet Mr. Right already. Someone that would love her and take care of her and be with her when she needs someone to make kwento/daldal to. Someone who'd cherish her and make her feel important the way she does her loved ones. If she already found the guy (*wink* *wink*), well and good!

You deserve it, sis!

I also wish that our friendship would last a lifetime.

I may not have a tangible gift that I can give you right now, Shen, I have these memories and good words that I can tell the whole world about you.

Love u, sis! Be happy (parang commercial ng jollibee)! You deserve it! And whatever they say, you know that we all love you the way you are.

'Tol, painom ka naman! hehehe

HAPPY 27th BEERDAY este BIRTHDAY pala!!!

xxxooo,
sasha